Thursday, May 27, 2010


Every wonder what defines you in the eyes of other people? I have come to wonder this many times over the past few months. Am I defined by the fact that I'm a mother and wife? Am I defined by the fact that I do not have a job that pays money? Am I defined by the fact that I am an overweight woman? Am I defined by my house and home?

There are nine definitions found on when I searched the word woman. They are as follows:
1. the female human being (distinguished from man).

2. an adult female person.
3. a female attendant to a lady of rank.
4. a wife.
5. the nature, characteristics, or feelings often attributed to women; womanliness.
6. a sweetheart or paramour; mistress.
7. a female employee or representative: A woman from the real estate agency called.
8. a female person who cleans house, cooks, etc.; housekeeper: The woman will be in to clean today.
9. women collectively: Woman is no longer subordinate to man.

I have yet to start a regular exercise routine, though I have been waking my son and husband so that they can go run on a regular basis. Most mornings I wake up between 4:00am and 5:00am. I don't typically go back to bed and wait for the alarm to go off at either 6:00am or 7:00am. I wander upstairs, log onto the computer, and take care of miscellaneous activities there.

I do not want to be defined by my weight, yet I fear that it is more of an identifier in my life than the fact that I am a woman. I am making a promise to myself to do something about my current situation. To no longer worry about how other see me, but instead to change the way I see myself. Even when those pants I wear to work out in might be a little tighter than I'd prefer, and my shape does nothing to match the one on my screen when I exercise with EA Active, I will strive to be more. I will be more than an overweight individual, more than a woman, more than now while working to take up less space.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Scale? What scale?

It has actually been more than two months since I stepped on a scale. I'm not sure if it has something to do with the fact that my husband moved it from its normal home in the bathroom to the closet, or if it is just my own personal nonviolent protest taking place.

I have done a lot of thinking and retooling my life as of late.

I'm having to work with my son almost daily to get his grades up and keep him out of summer school. He is supposed to be going to Summer Leadership School for ROTC this as well. This starts the first week after school lets out for the year. But if he isn't able to skate by on his grades, then he won't be able to attend that either. I'd LOVE for him to be able to go take advantage of this opportunity, but I will not have him miss summer school if that is the case. I have even taken the time to plot out his next four years in school and plan on showing it to him later this week.

My daughter seems to be on the straight and narrow for the most part. She's only slacking in Math, which is somewhat of a pet peeve of mine considering I'm kind of a math geek. But overall she's holding up her end of the bargain. She isn't doing much in the way of extra-curricular, but that'll come later, I suppose. The only thing I'd change there is her willingness to help out with normal household chores, but this is something that we ALL need help with from time to time.

I've resigned myself to taking ownership of the truck recently as well. We have a pretty newer convertible that I rarely get to drive. Most days hubby takes it to work, citing the excuse of having to drive across town and requiring the vehicle that gets the better gas mileage. Personally, I believe it is simply so he can feel somewhat cool and take all his work buddies out to lunch while enjoying the warm weather, clear skies, and wind in his hair. Now, however, the truck is not running. Well it WILL run, but in essence will not stop properly. There is a leak in the brake line and hubby insists he can fix it and have me running back to new in no time. However his "no time" and mine are not exactly the same. I believe he uses this as a ploy to keep me grounded at home and away from anywhere that might take credit cards as a form of payment. QUITE annoying, I assure you! Yes, he spouts this whole..."get a job and start making car payments and you can have the convertible any time you want" b.s., but I have a sneaking suspicion that even when THAT becomes the case, there will be another convenient reason for my having to drive the truck (see gas/mileage issue from before).

But I am trying to better myself too, not just my children (however feeble that attempt may seem right now in regards to the kids). I'm trying to take a little bit of time out of every day for a bible study of sorts. This is not to say I'm meeting with other people, I'm just working through some devotional books and trying to find some personal time for just me and God. I try to go outside and sit at the picnic table if the weather is nice. Otherwise I tend to sit at the kitchen table and do my studies. I usually have some sort of notebook with me where I jot down notes about what I'm reading and my own personal thoughts on the topic. I also have been trying to write out a little prayer related to that day's readings. This has really been helping, I feel. It gives me a sense of peace about my life and helps to feed my soul.

I am continuing to work through my medical transcription online, and am hopeful that I won't need to file for an extension on the program. If I really get serious about it, I should be able to be finished by the end of July to middle of July. Then, fingers crossed, I'll be able to find employment and feel better about contributing on a monetary level in this family.

Yesterday morning, the rest of the family went out for a run. Hubby likes to run for exercise and tells me I don't know how to run (because I'm more of a jogger/walker and wasn't trained to run in the military). The boy will have to do daily runs at Summer Leadership School and the ROTC program at school is encouraging them to run on a regular basis in order to not have their system totally shocked when they get to camp. The girl says she's cool with walking, and some jogging, but isn't really keen on the whole running gig. She came back early yesterday after the initial jogging/warm-up portion of their routine. Supposedly they are going to give this another go this morning. Let's see if this time the boy comes back and goes back to bed. I'm thinking I won't let him, as I have a list of assignments that have no grades entered in the teachers' gradebooks (or rather they DO have a grade, of zero!).

I need to get back into a regular exercise regimen, as I know that will be the secret to my weight loss success. I need to commit fully a whole three months to exercising without missing any days. If I am still struggling at the end of that time, then I have thought of looking into bariatric surgery. However, I truly feel in my heart that if I were to maintain a good exercise routine and continue eating like I know I should, then surgery would definitely not be needed or warranted.

Thank you friends for being there, and I'm sorry I've been so sporadic about my posting. Right now, Renee at CutieBootyCakes is my hero!! She has done a phenomenal job of getting into shape and looks AMAZING!! Way to go, gal! I think of you daily!

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